I am not a gard…

22 06 2012

I am not a gardener by any means.  I cannot grow anything in the way of flowers or vegetables.  Just simply do not have it.  Period.  But I kept trying for years to learn how.  I bought all the easy to grow plants  and I tried to learn how to grow them without killing them.  But never worked for me.  Every time I planted a flower or a vegetable, the poor thing just leaned right over and died.

And I had such a time with bugs.  Bugs always ate me up every time I went outside.  They just love me.  I have spent whole summers going to the doctor’s office because of the whelps and blisters on my poor legs and feet.  And sometimes on my arms and hands.  Finally, one of the doctors told me to just stay on the concrete.  So I have done that ever since.  

But if I walk to the mailbox or to get the newspaper, a bug will find me and manage somehow to bite me before I can get back into the house.   And I know it is not in my mind because I can see the whelp or the blister or whatever it might be this time.

Anyway, I finally understand what is going on.  The bugs and flowers hate me.  That is the whole thing right there.  What happens is that I go outside to work in the flowers and all the plants get excited and pass the word that  ‘here she comes again. She is going to kill us all!’.  Then the bugs unite and come after me.  Thus the whelps and blisters.  

But guess what – I don’t bother those flowers anymore.  And I do not ever intend to.  So guess they won in their war against me and my killing thumb.  Oh well, I’ll find something else to work on.  May take up playing solitaire.   Or surfing the internet.  That sounds good.  Think I’ll do that next.

 





CREEPY CRAWLY

26 01 2012

I read just yesterday where someone somewhere said there was no reason for that creepy, crawly feeling that some people experience.  Don’t have any idea what they were talking about. But evidently some test had been done and had thrown out the idea that creepy, crawly was real.  Well, I beg to differ on that one.

I’ll have to tell you what happened to me and those creepy crawly things.   A few years ago, I started just itching like mad, particularly on my legs.  In fact, it seemed that something was just determined to eat me up, a bit at a time.  And I kept seeing things like they were flying in the air and yet I could not really see anything. And occasionally, it would seem like something black ran across a white tile cabinet.  But again, there was nothing there.  I was about to decide that I had finally lost it all.  About ready to go to the looney bin.

Then, the bug man came for a quarterly spray of my house and I mentioned to him that it seemed like something was after me.  He said, just as casually, that if I could catch one of those things, he would take it to the state laboratory and find out what it was.  By this time, it seemed like something was in my hair and even my eyebrows, but again, I really couldn’t see anything and just had this creepy, crawly feeling.

I took a roll of scotch tape into my bathroom just in case something went whizzing across my white tile cabinet ever again.  Sure enough, a couple of days later, I saw what seemed like something racing across the cabinet and I slapped it really hard with that scotch tape.  And behold, I had caught a thing whatever it was.  I called the bug man and he came right out and got the sample.

A couple of days later, he called me and said I had a spring tail mite in my house and that was what was biting me.   But, he said, the laboratory technician told him that these spring tail mites absolutely do not bite humans.  By this time, I could have shown that technician my half eaten red legs, but didn’t bother to  mention it.  The bug man went on with his explanation.  These tiny, tiny black bugs look like a grain of black pepper.  They are so small that they really cannot be seen.  And they are a part of the environment.  They eat rotted wood and vegetation.  They are in the mulch in my flower beds.

He even mentioned that I probably had about a million in the flower bed right outside my garage door.  These spring tail mites use their tail to crawl, hop like a flea, and fly.  So that was why I had seen those mysterious figures in the air and yet could not swear that I was seeing anything.  They can also get in  my hair and  eyebrows as well as everywhere in my home.  He came back and sprayed the house really good once again.  For the first time in awhile, I felt some peace that evening.  At least I wasn’t itching quite as much.

That week, I had all the mulch removed from around my house.  When the men pulled the mulch out of the beds around my front door, they called to me.  I ran outside to see  a fog of bugs rising up from those flower beds.  That was those lovely creep, crawly things. My flower beds may not look as pretty without mulch,  but I am happy with them.  I still get bit occasionally when I go outside, but it is nothing like it was.  I keep bug spray in the house and use it regularly as well as having the quarterly spray done.  And I put pest control granules in the flower beds.   The bug man had told me it would take years to get rid of all of them.  I believe him.

Next time I went to my regular doctor, I mentioned all this to him.   He listened politely and then said that maybe I wasn’t human after all.  Maybe I was a humanoid.  We laughed about that.  But the whole experience really wasn’t very funny and I hope I never have to live through that one again.

Maybe those in the know about creepy crawly feelings might reconsider.  If they want, I can send them some spring tail mites.  I’m sure I can find a few in my flower beds.