The Influence of Advertising or Just Plain Hype

I tried to watch one of the children’s television programs tonite with my daughter, but it was impossible to stay with the story line because of all the interfering commercials offering all kinds of products, not only for the children, but also for the adults who would be watching with their children. Everything offered was something that ‘you must have’. Not only do you want this, but you absolutely, positively need it.

When I was growing up, my mother used to talk of  Christmas at her house when she was growing up. There were 9 children and no father, so they had very little money for anything, much less for items they might want. On Christmas morning, all those 9 children got up and were thrilled and surprised to find an orange that Santa had left each of them. Later on, I read in the 50’s about a minority woman who was moaning that that was all she got for Christmas when she was a child. But she failed to mention that this was the norm for many of the families over the years. My mother never moaned nor complained about this. She thought that orange was a great and grand surprise to have for Christmas. Depends upon your attitude I guess. And on what you think you need to make you happy.

Nowadays, everyone expects to have everything imaginable under the tree on Christmas morning. And why? Because someone says they not only want this, but they need it in order to be happy in their lives. Everyone needs to step back and take a good hard look at their lives. What you need and what you want are two very different things. I might want a lot of things, but I really don’t need them. When I was growing up, I never realized that I didn’t need so many things until my parents told me so. I have heard the words, “You don’t need that” many times in my lifetime. Of course I thought I did need something because my friends all had it, or because I saw it in a magazine or heard about it on the radio. But that didn’t mean that I needed it. And thankfully, my parents taught me not to always want, want, want. They taught me well. I have never had the desire for ‘things’.

One year when I was a young teen, I insisted that I needed this particular kind of haircut. It was called a ‘feather cut’ and all my friends were getting this gorgeous haircut and they looked so beautiful that I just had to have one of those. My parents didn’t argue about it. They told me a couple of times that I didn’t need it, but I kept on insisting that I did. Finally, my mother took me to the beauty shop and I went in, thrilled beyond words. I sat down in the chair and insisted again that I needed this ‘feather cut’. The man tried to tell me that I would have to have a permanent also, but I insisted that my friends all had this wonderful haircut and I was getting one, too. And I was also going to be beautiful. Well, he did just like my parents had done. He didn’t bother to argue with me about it. He just set about cutting my hair. I watched in the mirror and the transformation just simply was not happening to me. I just looked the same. When he finished cutting, I paid the bill, but could not believe the way I looked. Sure enough, he was right. I didn’t need that ‘feather cut’. In order to have that beautiful hairdo, it was necessary to either have a permanent or to have naturally curly hair. But I had insisted until I won. And now I had chunks of hair all over my head. Instead of looking gorgeous, I just looked ridiculous. Where the hair was supposed to ‘feather’, mine sat like a clod all over my head. I was ashamed, but was stuck with the look for quite awhile afterwards. But I learned that just because I wanted that haircut didn’t mean that I needed it.

If you get a chance, teach your children they don’t need all those things they really just want. Teach them they don’t need things to be happy in their lives. Tell them they don’t need that until they learn the value of and the difference in wants and needs.

Structure

A young boy who comes to church every week with his family always gets my attention. The whole time he is in church, he is glued to his mother. He is either standing with his arms wrapped around her or sitting in her lap or cuddled up in her arms. This young boy is about 9 years old. And then sometime during the service, he has to use the bathroom. Then his father has to take him out to the bathroom. If this was my kid, he would be talked to in no uncertain terms and told to keep his hands to himself.  He needs to sit up straight like a young man should and listen to the service. And he had better use the bathroom before he leaves home, because he is not going to use it while the church service is going on.

I may be wrong, but I doubt it. I never saw any reason for my children to hang on to me and made that very clear with them. I was not pushing them away or ignoring them. I was just simply being their mother who knew that was not the way they should act. And they all knew not to run to the bathroom when we went out in public. They could use the bathroom at home. Of course there were situations where they needed to use the public restroom, but these were few and far between. Everyone knew the rules and everyone followed them. Period.

Nowadays, the mothers can’t accept that these are children who need to be taught and taught well how to behave in all situations. They need to be disciplined when necessary and certainly need direction in the social behaviors. The adage that children should be seen and not heard is still relevant in today’s society. But you would never guess it to see the children in the movies or the churches or restaurants these days.

Parents should be responsible for their children’s behaviors in all situations. If they have not taught them well at home, then they should not take their children out into the public to disturb others.

I have heard the story that one mother asked her pastor when she should start disciplining her child. He asked her how old the child was. She said he was four years old. The pastor said, ‘you’d better hurry home. You are already four years late.’  This is so true. Give your child a shot at life. Give your child the opportunity to grow up and be a responsible citizen. Give your child the necessary discipline to allow him to grow into a responsible person. You owe this to your child. Every day.

Bad Behavior and Personal Responsibility

I am always spouting off about personal responsibility. Obviously, you cannot have personal responsibility if you have never been taught to have this. Parents are responsible for teaching all their children about taking care of themselves and being fully responsible for all their own behavior. This makes for responsible teens who do not get in any real trouble. And it makes for responsible adults who have good lives and nice families.

As I walked into the lobby of the school today, there was a young boy, kindergarten age, wallowing on the floor. His mother and teacher were both watching him as he whined and shed real tears because he did not want to attend school today. The boy even crawled over to the corner and stood up against the wall with his back to the adults. The teacher was obviously pretty exasperated. But the mother was begging, and begging, and begging the young boy to go to class. He looked over at me and grinned that grin that all spoiled kids  do when they know you are aware of their spoiled behavior. In other words, he knew that I knew he was just showing off, putting on, and getting his own way with all the attention he could possibly want.

And poor mother was put in a position of begging her wayward 5 year old to stop acting like a 2 year old. Poor Mother should have pulled him up off the floor and insisted that he go on to class. She should have let him know in no uncertain terms that it is his responsibility to act like a 5 year old and to attend the kindergarten class where he belongs. And then she should have turned her back and walked out the door. And she should have done this when he showed off and acted spoiled when he was 2 years old and 3 years old and 4 years old, too. He finally won this morning and poor mother took his hand, led him out the door, and even carried his back pack for him. Mother is not doing her son any favors by coddling him and making over him and begging him to act his age.

In fact, she is doing him a great disservice by refusing to make her son behave. Is he going to grin that spoiled grin behind her back and get into trouble when he is 15? Or when he is 25? When is she going to finally recognize that it is her role to be the mother and act like the mother and insist that her son act like a son should.

How is her son going to know about personal responsibility if she does not teach him? Is she expecting the teacher to be the one to instill this behavior? Or the principal? It is her job as his parent and first teacher to make sure that when her son walks out the door if it be age 5 or 15 or 25, that he is responsible for his own behavior. If she had been doing a good job, her 5 year old son would not today be wallowing in the school floor, crying fake tears, and whining.

It is up to the parents to teach personal responsibility to their children. And it must be taught every day in every instance. Day after day, year after year for all their growing up years.

If you expect your children to be responsible adults, you must teach them now – at home – to be responsible children. Personal Responsibility is an absolute must. And Responsible Parents always teach this to their children.

The Birthday

Well, the big birthday is finally over. Thank Heavens! My retarded daughter had her birthday today. And it has been a massive undertaking for about a month now. She has been telling everyone in town about her birthday coming up. You would have thought it was going to be the birthday celebration of the year. I usually take her and some friends out for pizza for her birthday. I planned this again and then last weekend, she just fell apart. She had terrible temper tantrums all weekend. Then on Sunday afternoon, she had a seizure in the local store. Well of course this caused just a dab of commotion. Then on Monday morning when she got out of bed, she had another one. So I called some of my children and they agreed to cover for me with the pizza lunch.

In early afternoon, I thought my daughter was much better, so I decided to try to run some errands. I had forgotten that riding in the car will sometimes precipitate a seizure. So we got about two blocks from home and she had another one. I turned the car around and we went home and stayed there. She acted up all afternoon. Then after dinner, she rallied somewhat and settled down. I had decided to keep her out of school as long as necessary so she wouldn’t get any more upset about her @#$% birthday. Instead, she said she was going to school the next day. I agreed that if she slept all night, she could probably go to school. She slept very well and next morning was bright, happy and ready for school. As she stepped up on the school bus, she said, ‘I’m sorry I couldn’t come for pizza, but I had a hard seizure’. And that was that.

The week went fairly well, but she talked about her birthday constantly. Then the big day finally came. Her birthday finally arrived. She had a good day with her friends at school. Her brothers and sisters all called to wish her Happy Birthday! As she settled down for the evening, she told me she had a wonderful birthday.

Sure am glad that birthday is over. Glad I have to wait a whole year for another one. I may run away from home next year. I’m thinking about it.

A Special Lunch

For many years, my lunch consisted of feeding one in a high chair, trying to help one in a junior chair, and watching squirming kids while they ate. All this  while trying to carry on a somewhat intelligent conversation with those who were old enough to talk intelligently. There was a span of 13 years between my oldest child and my youngest. So there was always a diversity in the  conversations. There was also a diversity in the foods consumed. From baby food to junior food to grilled cheese sandwiches, hamburgers and hot dogs. So no wonder I looked forward to the day when I could at last, at last, eat lunch by myself. When the last one started school, I planned my first lunch time very carefully. I was really looking forward to eating in a quiet atmosphere. I had even been saving a particular book  to read at that lunch time.

I also planned a lull in my usual chores so I would have ample time to eat before I had to pick up a child at 1:00. Oh, I was so excited. I even took the phone off the hook. I didn’t want anything to disturb this special lunch.

I usually just ate whatever fell out of the refrigerator. But today I prepared my favorite sandwich of roast beef on rye with horseradish sauce. I set my plate on the table, got a napkin, a drink of water, a few chips and settled down to read my book. I took one bite of the sandwich and started reading. Oh, such a relaxing lunch. I remember thinking how wonderful, so quiet, so relaxing.

And then I fell asleep at the table.

I jarred awake when my head bobbed. It was time to pick up the child at 1:00. I grabbed my purse, wrapped the sandwich in the napkin and raced out the door. I would eat on the way.

When is it time?

My son was turning  on the kitchen stool while I was preparing dinner. ‘do you think I’m ready?’ he asked. I took a few minutes to answer his question. I knew what he was talking about. He wanted to know if I thought he was ready to go out on his own. Ready to move to an apartment and start his own life. I know he was certainly old enough and had enough money to tide him over any rough times. He was always a saver and a very responsible person. But I just didn’t think he was quite ready for that big step. So I answered ‘No, I don’t think so right now. Wait a while longer. You will be glad you did.’  He was never one to argue any point, so he just said ‘O.K.’ stepped down off the stool and left the room. He never mentioned it again until almost a year later. Then he asked me the same question once more. ‘Do you think I’m ready?’ This time I answered quickly. ‘Yes, I think you are.’ With that, he bounded out of the room with a big grin on his face.

He moved shortly afterwards, sharing a rented house with a friend.

It is always hard to watch your children grow up and go out on their own. But when they are ready, they are simply ready.  They have that certain maturity about them that you can see when you carry on a conversation or watch them with their friends. They are their own person, confident, ready to face the world. With some, the time comes earlier and you have to almost hold them back by their shirt tails because they are not quite old enough in years for that step. But they are so eager to face the world and conquer it. And they want to go, go, go. Get out in the world. Face the challenges. And you know deep inside that they are not quite ready for that. So you hold on awhile longer, pulling them back, keeping them home.

I guess birds have an advantage over humans on this score. They know instinctively when their young are ready to fly the nest. In fact, they push them out the door. We humans have a tendency to hang on to our offspring. We don’t want them to have any failures. We don’t want them to make any mistakes. And yet, we did. We had to learn to build our own bridges. And the young ones will learn also.

So when they ask ‘Do you think I’m ready?’ be honest with them. If you think they are, then give them your blessings and send them on their way. If you do not think they are ready, then tell then to wait a while longer. But know in your heart that they are going. Very soon. And you will be ready when they are. After all, you raised them to do just this. To go out into the world on their own and begin their own life.

You don’t have to push them out of the nest like the birds. But be sure and put a smile on your face and send them off with a big hug. Be happy for them when you know they are ready.

Raising Children

There is an overwhelming amount of advice to parents about how to raise their children. Seems everyone is qualified to offer all kinds of advice to parents. By now, many parents are wondering what in the heck they have gotten themselves into by becoming parents. Well, I am here to save the day! I can offer a crash course in raising children. That is one thing I learned how to do very well. I have raised 6 great children. They all are grown up, mature, and very happy as adults. They all have good stable families, good careers, and a nice life. If you want to raise responsible children, then you as parents must set the example by being responsible parents. Period. For all your child’s life, you must act responsible. You must be responsible in your home, your marriage, your job, your faith, your interaction with others, and in the treatment of your child. You must show your child that you love him by taking care of his needs. This does not mean providing him with every possible material thing he desires. Use common sense and act responsibly in all that you do for him. As he grows from a baby into an adult, he will understand by seeing your responsible example that he is also to be responsible for his actions. He will learn by your example to be responsible in his home, his daily life, his age related chores, and in his interaction with others. This will lead to a responsibility in his school work, the choosing of his friends, and his behavior when he is away from home. As the years progress, one thing leads to another and if you always set the good example, he will follow where you lead him. You are the parent. He is the child. He will always follow you. It is up to you to set the responsible example to lead him in the right ways. And that is all there is to this crash course in parenting. Enjoy your child! Enjoy your life! And set the responsible example always!

What, short on those warm and fuzzies? Well…..New Moms Take Heart

Just recently I read a column in the local paper that caters to young mothers. The women who had written in were concerned that they were not good mothers.  Seems they did not fall madly in love with their newborn just as soon as it was born. They felt guilty and somehow deprived of a feeling they were sure they were supposed to have.  That rosy, cooing, melting feeling had somehow escaped them.  Instead, the mothers were upset and unsure of themselves.  In  one case, the mother almost disliked her child because he did not come with the full package of feelings she was expecting.  The mothers also resented the fact that the babies consumed all their time and lives.  They were not expecting the crying and feelings of helplessness that come with each and every newborn.

Well, I don’t know how the rest of the young mothers of the world feel or have felt in their lives, but I can speak from my own experience.  I was scared to death of that baby. I didn’t know what in the heck I was supposed to do with him.  And besides that, I didn’t know anything at all about raising a baby.  I had just learned first hand what ‘having a baby’ felt like.  I didn’t want to be pushed or rushed into learning something else new right now.  I wanted to rest and get organized and get control of my life.  THEN, I would be ready to take care of that baby.

I had read all the appropriate magazine articles.  I had even checked some books out of the library, trying to understand what was to be expected of me. But somehow, none of those writings were relevant once that baby bounced onto the scene.  Instead of following directions from a book, my home was utter chaos.  As soon as I bathed him, it was time to feed him, and then it was time to feed him again, and again, and again.  And then it was time to clean up everything from the making of formula, and the constant feeding of baby.  In the middle of all this, I was supposed to remain sane while I ran the washer and dryer constantly, tried to put a meal on the table, and tried to entertain all those who came to my door to see the newest addition to our family.

Well, I’ll tell you for sure, it was pure intimidation to me!  I was overwhelmed, under prepared, worn out, and almost physically sick from the responsibilities heaped upon me.  I had never even been around babies before.  I did not even know how to carry or  hold a baby.  What was I supposed to do with this tiny bundle that the nurse handed to me in the hospital.  I was half asleep from just giving birth, worn out and sore all over.  And now this. The nurse handed me a baby and told me to take care of it.  How?  What was I supposed to do?  I looked for that book of instructions that I felt sure came along with him, but there were none.  I was not even sure how to hold the bottle or the baby.  What on earth was I going to do with this new addition to my life.

And that was another thing.  What life.  All I did once I got home was take care of baby, take care of baby, and take care of baby.  Some mornings, I didn’t even get my hair combed.  This was not at all what I had been led to believe motherhood was going to be like.  And that bonding thing that everyone writes about and people talk about.  What in the heck is it?  Where did I go wrong?  I must be the worst of all mothers.  I missed out on everything somehow.

But I know now that I didn’t miss out on anything.  I reacted exactly the same way that mothers have been reacting for centuries.  The problem is all those that write and talk about that gooey, pink, rosy feeling that is supposed to melt the new mother when she sees her newborn for the first time.  I’m here to tell you, it ain’t that way at all for most of a new mother.  I had to learn about that baby and he had to learn about me, too.  There is not an immediate bonding feeling at all.  It is a growing, knowing feeling that develops over time that tells you that this baby is a part of your life forever.  That will never change.

If you are a new mother or expecting a child soon, give yourself a little time.  Don’t judge yourself.  Don’t feel guilty or upset.   Don’t be unsure of yourself.  The life of a new mother takes a little while to adjust to.  Of course that baby will consume your time and your life.  But it will all be o.k.  In fact, you wouldn’t really want it any other way.

Take your time learning to be a good mother.   It takes a while to learn how to  handle the most important job in the world.